1. It’s not okay to lie about your age. Just because everyone else might do it is not a good excuse. Nor is the old saw that you don’t want anything as meaningless as your actual age to eliminate you from someone’s search results. Not justification! Dealbreaker! Tell the truth and demand the same from others.

2. Photos tell the story too, so don’t lie about their age either, if asked. Bottom line, if someone shows up for the first date 10+ years older and/or 25+ pounds heavier than expected, that’s a definite dealbreaker.

3. Relationship status should be clear from the outset. The “it’s complicated” signifier is a cop-out. If you’re separated, please have the courtesy to say from whom and for how long, and BUYER BEWARE. If you’re married, presumably that would be a dealbreaker in most cases.

4. Hey, if you don’t want to hang out in their ‘hood, whether it be Newport Beach or Hawaiian Gardens, then don’t even get the conversation going. Few people are so loose that geography is never going to be an issue. If even contemplating a long-distance relationship makes you cranky, then don’t put a lot of energy into fantasizing over something that is doomed from the outset. Be clear about geographical dealbreakers.

5. Children should not be pawns in this game. If you are single with children or searching  for a soul mate in the age bracket of singles with children, think about the ramifications. With dependent children in the picture, the game changes. It’s up to you to decide about dealbreakers, and you might as well do that in the beginning. Eg. If you meet a fabulous someone with three teenagers at home, are you really willing to “go there”?

6. Chemistry is a must. It may take more than an instant to test whether it’s there, and it can build over time — this is true. But if you’re not at all looking forward to the second date, it’s a pretty clear indication that the spark required to build the fire just isn’t there. Life is too short. Dealbreaker!

7. It’s imperative that both parties express interest in each other. For even the tiniest seedling of a relationship to sprout, you have to have a certain balance. Lacking that, the relationship is doomed. Does he or she seem interested in talking only about him or herself or, conversely, only about you? Are you open to both listening and sharing? Either way, if communication with someone is oppressively difficult from the git-go, that should be a dealbreaker.

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A very smart rocket scientist friend, Dr. Bob, came up with an equation to define happiness.

Check it out!

H(Happiness) = k(Actuality-Expectation).

Everyone, even a little skilled in math, knows that when something is proportional to something else, it can be written as something = k (something else)

In this case, happiness is proportional to the difference between where we are in actuality and where we expect to be. Use your imagination to apply this concept to your own life right now. You are a single adult looking for a possible romantic connection through an online dating site — FlirtySomething. That is the actuality. And depending on who you are at any given moment, your expections vary widely. It’s a fact that we all face great challenges to our happiness.

Life isn’t so simple, however, nor is Bob’s more realistic version of the equation which takes into account hundreds, even thousands, of “H” terms — things that affect our happiness, positively and negatively. They add to a net sum that is either positive (happy) or negative (unhappy).

Here’s the rub! If all terms in the happiness equation are near zero except for one, that term will be the only one determining the total value of H. This is the reason why people with a lot to be thankful for can be made miserable by what should be an insignificant thing.

I offer Dr. Bob’s equation to help you calibrate your search for a soulmate to yield greater happiness, no matter what the outcome. Here’s a little advice from the Queen Bee at FlirtySomething. As as single adult looking for love, don’t hitch your happiness to any one outcome. I know a lot of people in relationships who are miserable too. Enjoy the journey!

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You’ll enjoy these as much as I do because they’re witty, romantic, and original….so check ‘em out!

SettleForBrian.com will appeal to every online dater who’s ever gotten fed up with the whole dehumanizing process. Brian got tired of competing with millions of other single guys on “Natch”.com.

So Brian created his own dating site. It’s cute. It’s clever. It’s got heart. I sent him a note of appreciation to which he politely responded.

Then there’s this Webby award winner…an amazing Valentine from one helluva talented man to his lucky bride: DaveLovesElizabeth.com

And finally, a review with excerpts from a delightful new book. David Rose is the editor of “They Call Me Naughty Lola,” a collection of personal ads from the London Review of Books.

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Yes, he was the guy who counseled my generation to “turn on, tune in, and drop out,” (and we did!), and yes, he was more than a little wacky, but LSD guru and first person to have his remains sent into space, Timothy Leary was also a serious psychologist and academic. His theory on interpersonal circumplex remains the sine qua non of measuring human compatibility.

Don’t waste your money on Dr. Helen Fisher’s new book,Why him? Why her? even though a certain online dating corporate giant is hawking it on all its sites. It’s so-called new scientific findings regarding human attraction and compatibility are just a watered down reiteration of what Leary laid out 52 years ago.
The big take-aways from the Leary circumplex:

1. Interpersonal behavior can be measured along two axes — the vertical axis of power, status, dominance or control, and the horizontal axis of solidarity, friendliness, warmth, or love.

2. Further, the circumplex can be divided into segments (ranging from 4-16) of a circle. As one moves around the circle, each segment represents a progressive blend of the two axial dimensions

3.  Most online dating sites that offer personality and compatibility testing, rely on the interpersonal circumplex to interpret and evaluate test results. There are many ways to slice and dice these results, and relationship “experts” are actually pretty good at what they do. But does the test ask the right questions? Are your answers true? And how predictive can any “scientific” test be of true compatibility?

So, we think the best test of compatibility is simply to jump into the mix. Find someone with something to say on FlirtySomething. Send them an online date invitation. See if it feels right. Let nature take its course. And, please, always be polite!

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July 4th, relaxing after dinner on a hilltop patio facing west, the lights of Bakersfield in the distance, an almost full moon hanging in the star-studded eastern sky, FlirtySomething’s Queen Bee discusses the up-coming marriage of her son and her hosts’ daughter with the soon-to-be in-laws and the happy couple.

The conversation is loopy. We talk about the wedding, its choreography and possible complications. We listen for sounds of coyotes and fireworks. A neighbor’s dog’s bark travels through the valley. We swat at flies and gossip and, for a few pregnant moments, search for the meaning behind our shared, albeit largely not articulated, bias in favor of the principle/idea/concept of monogamy. In that situation, on the deck, considering the back-stories knitting all those present together in the first place, it wasn’t prudent to probe the subject too deeply.

But here, I’d like to buzz a little more about monogamy, its meaning, and the alternatives. I followed a brilliant polyamorist friend’s breadcrumbs to this very cogent argument against monogamy. And in this interview, Adam Phillips, psychotherapist and author of  Monogamy, deconstructs the concept in very interesting ways more than he argues against it.

I think that it takes a very strong relationship to withstand the stresses of polyamory or infidelity, call it what you will. On the other hand, perhaps the strongest relationships, therefore, are the most tolerant. After all, our bias toward monogamy does not erase the fact that men and women often stray, and that relationships, like life, are full of surprises. So, what do you say?

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More men than women subscribe to online dating sites. Accurate figures are hard to come by, and they vary from site to site. But, by most estimates, approximately 60% of online daters are male. And perhaps the fastest growing age group in online dating is 45+ year-olds. This group is often re-entering the dating world follow divorce or loss of a spouse while simultaneously becoming more frequent internet users.
So, what Boomer guys have to say about online dating seems noteworthy, especially to the Queen Bee, herself a Boomer, online dater, and the underlying spirit of FlirtySomething.com.

With his permission, I’m sharing the text of a profile posted on purportedly the world hugest, best-est on-line dating site. This pretty much speaks for itself as well as for the hundreds of thousands other Boomer-aged men AND women for whom the online dating space is familiar turf.

He says, and I quote:

“It’s my 4th month now in the ‘LOVE JUNGLE,’ like many of you I have read some real fantasies and heard some sad stories. Of the five people I have agreed to meet so far I really don’t have a clue who showed up, sure wasn’t the people in the posted photos, as far as age and weight.

“Girls, please! I have to see the humor in this and enjoy the company with dinner, I’m sure that we are all entitled to our own happiness no matter how we get there. Right? But I’m not interested in the volume approach here, not in a race so I would rather take my time and get into someones heart well in advance of their pants. This is just my way. So, for me, honesty from the get-go is a must.

“Okay, enough said about my expectations. Here’s me: a casual guy, easy-going, humorous, appreciative of each day, make the effort to smell the roses as I wander through this life…. No addictions, never had any, always been the cook, non serial dater/monogamous. Do not, will not argue. Passionate discussions welcome. Eclectic tastes and interests. Enjoy negotiating through the day and life without a map. I let the kid out to play with regularity but am not child-like….”

And he goes on to paint a picture of a really nice guy ISO a really nice gal to spend some time with. He ends his profile on this plaintive note:

“Honesty, please. Let’s not waste each other’s time!”

I run into different versions of this guy’s story all the time. Which is why I created FlirtySomething in the first place. The mission of FlirtySomething is to provide singles with a dating space that obviates the lies and deception so prevalent on many other dating sites.

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Again, thanks to Dr. Ian Kerner, CNBC relationship guru for leading me down this path.

4. Opposites attract! Anyone who has read Obama’s memoir, Dreams From My Father, knows that his childhood was anything but “typical.” His mother and father were divorced when he was a baby. He is bi-racial and grew up largely in Hawaii under the joint supervision and tutelage of his mother and maternal grandparents. During one period, he moved to Indonesia with his mother to live with his new stepfather. That marriage also ended in divorce. He then returned to Hawaii where he remained through high school, mostly in the care of his grandparents. Barack Obama notes: “Michelle’s family life was different, very stable, with two parents, a stay-at-home mom, a brother, a dog, that kind of thing. They’ve lived in the same house all their lives … a part of me was wondering what a strong, reassuring family life would look like while Michelle, in a way, wanted to break from that model.”

Opposites attract. Something to keep in mind when sifting through FlirtySomething profiles. You may think you want someone with your same background, but perhaps when it comes down to it, the real chemistry is in the mix. Which is why so many of the first generation “niche” dating sites are foundering. I think the online dating market has spoken, and it says it’s looking for diversity.

5. Be a relationship role model. Those in a relationship, and those looking for a soul mate need to think long and hard about this lesson. Love relationships should be a model of just that: two people respecting and caring for each other. Absent that, what you have is people saying one thing (”I love you”) and doing another — which makes everybody crazy.

People treating each other rudely under the cover of relative anonymity on online dating sites is a most unfortunate and unintended consequence. FlirtySomething is all about innovations in online dating that enable and reward better behavior. So, whether you meet your soul mate or not, you build a good reputation in the FlirtySomething community when you treat others well. What we say in our personal profiles — e.g. “I am a sensitive, spiritual soul…blah blah blah” — is not nearly as important as how we actually treat each other.  Kindness, compassion, truthfulness — all of these qualities are contagious. As Kerner points out, “It’s no surprise that the Obama children beam with life. They have happy parents who aren’t afraid to show their love to each other. And that love is contagious.”

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For those of you who may have wondered who Ms. Robinson dated before eventually meeting Mr. Obama, here’s Michelle in slit-to-the-thigh shimmery gold prom dress, with her first boyfriend!

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It’s taken two thirds of my lifetime (if I’m lucky) to even begin to wrap my mind around the meaning of the phrase, “Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness” so skillfully borrowed from John Locke and embedded in the Declaration of Independence by Thomas Jefferson. Jefferson’s only change to Locke’s phrasing was to replace Locke’s “property” with “happiness.” Scholars have long since speculated on Jefferson’s intention and pondered the connection between property and happiness.

Happiness is a huge subject, examined from the beginning of human record and defined and redefined by theologians, philosophers and scientists. The concensus is that it’s a good thing, maybe even the best thing of all.

And during this economic downturn, happiness certainly beats precipitously devalued real estate, if that’s what Locke meant by property. So, if you’re wondering how happy you are, here’s a test devised by Oxford University scientists to gauge your own personal happiness. I took it. I thought it sucked, but I distrust personal inventory testing. Unless, of course, I like the results.

Here’s what I think. The preponderance of scientific research may indicate that married folks without children are the most blissfully happy of all — but I think that’s a lot of bunk. Number one. I don’t believe that happiness is quantifiable. One minute you may love the stability and intimacy you share with your mate of 25 years, the next minute you’re grinding your teeth at the sound of his/her voice.

Moreover, these days upwards of 50% of urban adult heads of household are single. I think, in fact, that singlehood may be a chronic, congenital, or permanent condition for so many precisely because it’s all about the pursuit of happiness. One partner for life is a lovely idea. But so may be many partners, maybe even so many you lose count. Happiness is an inside job. Embrace it. Keep on dating. Who knows, maybe your soul mate is waiting for you on FlirtySomething. Or maybe your soul mates!

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Sad news today of the deaths of Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett, and just days ago Ed McMahon. Death, especially when it’s a celebrity’s and trumpeted instantaneously and incessantly through the media, is the most urgent sort of messenger, and the message is to live life. Carpe diem. Seize the moment, because that’s really all we have.

Though his artistry and benevolence were overshadowed by personal scandal over the past fifteen or so years, in tribute to Michael Jackson’s genius and the indelible contribution he made to pop culture, we want to share this incredible video of him performing “Billie Jean” live in 2001. If this doesn’t get you up out of your seat and dancing, nothing will!

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