I’m convinced that online, as elsewhere, most “content” is empty, and also that a frequent indicator of something not worth reading is a title that announces a big topic broken into x-number of stages, phases, steps or whatever.

But ISO inspirational, educational, or entertaining material on dating to share with my readers, I clicked into the “8 phases of dating” and was pleasantly surprised!

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You’re single but open to the idea of a companion, a friend, a lover, a date, a partner…whatever. You’re not miserable. You have a life. You have plenty to do. Sometimes you’re bored or lonely, but so are people in relationships.

So, you join FlirtySomething because you like to flirt. And, who knows, you may just meet someone who makes you want to skip the final season premiere of The Sopranos just to meet him.

This guy  from “datingcentral.com” might have pried me loose. His profile was interesting. Nice photos. We exchanged emails and spoke on the phone. He has a great Brooklyn accent. Everything seemed in the ball park. He suggested we meet halfway for coffee or a drink.

I agreed to touch base over the weekend. Then he sent me this:

“Dear C.,

“By the written work and the oral word there are ways to get to know someone before you meet in the flesh. To do this I want to ask you three questions, two of which I might get to “feel out” when face to face.

You are under no obligation to answer. Bit if you do not I’ll send Punjab to see you. You recall Punjab? Orphink Anise? Daddy Bulgebucks?

1 How do you love your man?

2 What is the nature of loving and being loved?

3 What is life all about?

Love,
____”

The first episode of the Sopranos was great!

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Even though some people are turning to free social networking sites like MySpace for dating, there’s a trade-off in terms of safety and security. I don’t know about you, but I’m more than happy to pay a modest monthly rate to know that I’m not networking with minors or child molesters.

FlirtySomething builds safety into its features, too. With so many ways to communicate between and about members, FlirtySomething’s functionality enables singles to stand on their reputation in the community, just as in the real world.

In general, if you’re cyber dating, it makes sense to…

1. Arrange to meet for coffee or lunch rather than dinner. Not only are you safer in the day but you don’t waste so much time if it doesn’t work.

2. Help prevent any unwanted advances by being polite but not leading them on. If you don’t fancy them, just say “You’re a lovely person, but unfortunately, not what I was looking for.”

3. Don’t invite strangers to your home and don’t go to theirs until you know them very well. Just don’t. Anyone you meet online is a stranger. Even on FlirtySomething.

4. Trust your gut instinct and listen carefully to their relationship history. Are they on FlirtySomething for the right reasons or are they just looking to hook-up?

5. Give the details of your date to several friends - where you’ll be, the time you’ll meet, the person’s name, phone number and address.

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The Marriage-Go-Round by Andrew J. Cherlin, a demographer and sociologist at Johns Hopkins University, makes the case that Americans venerate and practice marriage with more fervor than their Western nation counterparts. For many or most Americans, marriage represents the non plus ultra of human relationships.

Then there’s reality, the often ugly aftermath of marriage — the 50% divorce rate.

According to Cherlin, “‘two powerful forces are at war in America, a historic belief in marriage grounded in our religious heritage on the one hand and a foundational principle of individual freedom and a post-modern sense of the right to self-fulfillment on the other. When these values clash, breakup and divorce follow.’” We tend to rush into relationships, and we tend to suffer the unintended consequences.

Americans voted for the Obama platform, but also for the Obama relationship. We feel their chemistry. We approve of the way they treat each other,  at least in public. But you can’t fake tenderness. Theirs seems to be a marriage in the best sense of the word, a model to emulate in our own personal lives.

Which begs the question: How did this seemingly close-to-perfect union come to be in the first place? Michelle has gone on record that she and Barack were friends first.

In an April, 2009 interview with Oprah, the first lady says: “Barack is a human being with flaws. And I can rattle down all the flaws and tease him about them every day, but those flaws are not fundamental. They don’t hit upon things that are intolerable to me. In terms of his core values, he has never disappointed me. … I don’t lose sight of the fact that he’s the president, but first and foremost he’s my husband, my friend, and the father of my children. That didn’t change with his hand on the Lincoln Bible. But it doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate the gravity of what he’s doing. The way I can honor that is by working by his side and adding value to what he’s doing in any way that I can.”

A  July, 2008 Chicago Sun Times story, encapsulates their romance:

“Michelle Robinson was a first-year attorney at the Chicago law firm of Sidley Austin. Word rippled through the law office that a hot-shot Harvard law student would be working at the firm that summer. The future Michelle Obama saw a photograph of the new hire and was less than dazzled.

‘I thought, OK, he’s probably not all that terrific, and he’s probably kind of a clown, and then I found out that his name was Barack Obama….And like everybody else, I thought, ‘Well, what kind of name is that?’
And then Michelle learned she’d been assigned to mentor the new guy. In the flesh, though, Barack was less geeky than he appeared in his photo, and he wasn’t the cocky Harvard student she’d been expecting.

He had both a worldly charm and a genuine desire to help the less-fortunate. Michelle found herself laughing at the same things as Barack. If she was cynical about something, he seemed to see it that way, too.

‘I was charmed, and we became instant friends after [the] first conversation,’ Michelle Obama said.”

They dated for two-plus years. Barack Obama was a bit skittish about the institution of marriage, but finally caved and proposed to his best friend and lover, Michelle.

Friends first. Friends forever.

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At flirtysomething, storytelling (distinguished from kissing and telling) is highly recommended. See our Dream and Nightmare Date Story feature, and please send us some of your own most memorable date stories. All names of people in your stories will be changed to protect the innocent, and not-so-innocent alike. Hey, it’s the classy thing to do, not to mention it protects us from potential lawsuits!

Here’s a member’s story about an ill-fated first date with a groper:

I recently exchanged numbers with a cute guy I met online. After getting to know each other a little bit on the phone we decided to attend a jazz concert together for our first date.  Things started off fine…

He picked me up outside my apartment and we chatted happily as he drove to the concert in his car.  On the way there, he said he needed to stop for gas. He pulled over and pumped gas as I waited in the car.  When he got back in the car, he closed the door then immediately reached over and cupped my breast as he tried to kiss me.  I was shocked.  “What do you think you are doing?” I asked.  “What?”  He said, with a surprised look. “I just wanted to kiss you”, he said.  “I am talking about you trying to feel my breast”.  He adamantly denied that he tried to touch my breast and claimed his hand accidentally brushed it.  “A girl knows a brush from a feel”, I tell him.  He continued to deny it but apologized anyway insisting that’s not what happened.  I was definitely not convinced but after he apologized, profusely, I agreed to continue the date.

He parked the car and we walked to the event location.   We were walking up a crowded staircase leading to the concert, when I felt someone grab my backside.  I turned around but my “date” was not immediately behind me.  He was slightly to the side but still in arms reach.  “Did you just grab my butt?” I asked.  He smiled and said, “no”.  I almost laughed at his gall. I told him he definitely had a problem.

After the concert, I stopped and purchased a beverage before I got back in the car with Mr. Octopus. He managed to drive me home without incident. He then pulled into a parking space outside my place.  I told him that the date was over and there was no need for him to park. He actually leaned in and tried to kiss me again…and this time he made a very obvious play for my breast.  I smacked his hand away.  “Are you crazy?  What is your problem?”  I asked.  “What, I’m just attracted to you?”  He said plainly, as if that made it okay.  “You grabbed my breast and backside earlier, didn’t you?”  I asked again.  “Yeah”, he laughed, “I did. What’s the big deal, aren’t you flattered?”  “What do you think?” I yelled, as I tossed my drink in his lap and exited his car.  Needless to say, that was my last encounter with that sea monster.

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Guess what? I’m not so shocked at these findings.

Originally published in Psychology Today, author Kathleen McGowan lists seven important truths we all should know, or do know and repress or ignore, about sex and long-term passion. Here’s a brief summary of McGowan’s points; my comments follow each shocker in brackets.

1. Many people don’t really want great sex. Good sexual experiences can be emotionally overpowering—mind-blowing, rather than warm and comforting. Lusty sex requires you to confront all kinds of worries—getting so close to your partner that he or she overwhelms you, or being rejected at an intensely vulnerable moment. It may even put you in touch with your own mortality, reminding you that your partner won’t always be around. Great sex requires inner reserves to tolerate the angst. [Yep, I imagine this is so, because it applies to human psychology generally. Any great endeavor requires courage.]
2. It gets better with age. Even though young people get aroused more quickly, amazing sex is a specialty of people in their 40s and 60s, contends Schnarch. In youth, women struggle to be sexual but not “cheap”; men are easily threatened. Midway through life, you have a stronger sense of self and are less self-conscious and insecure. [Yep, I can testify to this from personal experience.]
3. Compromise may not work. Trade-offs (I’ll do this if you’ll do that) may seem egalitarian, but in practice, each partner rules out anything that makes him or her uptight. The couple is left with a limited repertoire that guarantees boredom, not to mention scorekeeping and resentment when one partner is less enthusiastic than the other. Better to take the initiative and challenge yourself to try something new. [Sex is or should be one of the few aspects of life wherein negotiating and playing it too safe is uncalled for — i.e. if you’re with the right partner.]
4. Women like hot sex. Women are often much more interested than men in talking about “fucking”—horny, lusty, intense sex—Schnarch reports. But in bed, they often hold back out of shame or fear of making their partner feel inadequate. A lot of couples think that married sex is supposed to be gentle, affectionate “making love”—and feel guilty if they want to get nasty. [Which women are these? My married lady friends don’t talk to me about “fucking” — maybe because I’m single. My single lady friends are mostly celibate. But I suppose there’s truth to the claim that women hold back in bed because they are conditioned to think it’s more lady-like to do so.]
5. Sex isn’t a skill. The hoopla about techniques is a red herring. If you think of sex as a set of talents, you’re going to wind up focused on doing it right, rather than on who you’re doing it with. Likewise, giving your partner a technical playbook (there but not here, this way and not that way) leads to mechanically proficient, predictable and emotionally dead sex. You may also not know exactly what you want—it changes! Pushing your own limits by organically exploring new sexual styles fosters more sizzle. [Sex is dance.]
6. Cancel the orgasm derby. More orgasms don’t equal better sex. Lots of people can perform in bed—all the parts work just fine—but are never really satisfied, because they’re too emotionally disconnected. That’s usually said about men rather than women, but both sexes are capable of being physically aroused without getting any erotic charge, and both can have orgasms without really enjoying the sex. Instead of focusing on orgasms, pay more attention to the emotional and physical connection: Can you become intensely aware of your partner during sex? Can you make contact? [Orgasms are good and healthy and sometimes easier to come by than other times. No matter, sex, like life, should be all about the journey.]
7. Tune in—don’t space out. Shutting down your brain, focusing on your sensations and going into a trance state, or fantasizing about others, all of which sex therapists often recommend, may help you have decent sex, since it can jump-start your engine. But by zeroing in on your body or your thoughts alone, you’ve tuned out your partner. You’re also vulnerable to distractions: The mood can easily be shattered by a car alarm. Shifting your focus to include your partner can make the experience much more intense. [Geez Louise, of course one should include his or her partner in the process. Partners are not just props for self-gratification. If that’s all you seek, why bother with a partner in the first place? That’s called masturbation.]

So, basically, I’m not at all shocked by these so-called sex shockers. But I do think these are points worth noting.

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Click here and enjoy listening to the love story of Trudy and Joe Hunter!

This is but one of the many recorded by an awesome organization, StoryCorps. FlirtySomething visualizes an initiative with StoryCorps where members can record stories of courtship and romance and upload them to their profiles using mobile StoryCorps studios.

The Queen Bee is buzzing about StoryCorps and hope they will response in the affirmative. For now, enjoy this story and visit StoryCorp site for more!

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Let’s face it. Sometimes you don’t know whether there’s chemistry on the first date, or maybe little red flags went up when he referred to a certain demographic as “those people”, or when he called his mother a narcissist. But she’s cute or he made you laugh. So you’re not sure about whether to book a second date. Three tips about second dates:

1. Use FlirtySomething’s Apres Date system. Write an Apres Date Review about the first date. It’s a nuanced way to communicate with someone you’re not sure about. The system is easy to use and walks you through the process step by step. Once your review is completed, the system will guide you in sending an invitation to your date to read what you’ve written about him or her. Your review will summarize what you did on your date, how you think the date went, whether or not you’d like to book a second date and why (or you can select not to answer that question). And if you met your date on FlirtySomething, the system will ask you to rate the accuracy of his or her FlirtySomething profile. In order to read your review, your date will first have to post one too. The pair of date reviews are confidential between you and your date unless you both choose to publish them in your FlirtySomething profiles.

2. Let’s say you both post Apres Date Reviews. One of you has indicated a strong interest in booking a second date. This makes the situation somewhat promising. At the very worst, the second date will clarify whether to go forward most likely right from the git-go, I’ve found. If it’s no, you can make it a quickie. Don’t ever book a concert or play for an iffy second date. Keep it loose, and allow yourself a polite early exit strategy. Either way, go forward or jump ship; the second date will make it very clear.

3. If you’re lonely and bored, book a second date. What have you got to lose? In fact, if it’s really really bad, at the very least, it will help you to experience your loneliness and boredom in a whole new way!

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This article is a must read for FlirtySomething members interested in an authoritative, accurate, and in-depth analysis of online dating. A summary of its findings legitimizes our assumptions about online dating, from the user perspective, and, specifically, the quasi-scientific compatibility tests that function as matchmakers on some of the major dating sites.

The findings concur with what we drew from experience and research when we first dreamt-up FlirtySomething a couple of years ago. They guide us going forward as we seek to develop FlirtySomething into the Trader Joe’s of online dating, a place that people visit for the experience, ambiance and possibilities for phatic communcation as much as for the “goodies” you may take away with you when you leave.

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Here’s the FlirtySomething 12-step program, loosely adapted from the original AA 12-Steps. As the dating site that emulates real world falling-in-love, FlirtySomething is all about you, your experience as a single adult searching for a holistic relationship, a soulmate possibly, at the very least positive online dating experiences:

1. Admit that you need the help of a great dating site to enliven your dating life.
2. Believe that FlirtySomething can restore your faith in love and romance.
3. Decide to turn your will and dating life at least partially over to the care of FlirtySomething.
4. Post a searching and fearless profile of your true self on FlirtySomething.
5. Admit to yourself and others who you truly are, your weaknesses and strengths, especially when it comes to relationships.
6. Be open and willing to change.
7. Be prepared to stand on your good reputation in the FlirtySomething community.
8. Practice common civility in all matters of the heart.
9. Be honest and forthright with other FlirtySomething members, whether you want to date them or not, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Realize that being single is about the journey, and for some it may never end. So enjoy the FlirtySomething experience no matter what the outcome.
11. Use FlirtySomething to grow your awareness of self and others.
12. Spread the word about FlirtySomething to single friends and acquaintances.

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