There is so much content online, and now alltop.com arrives to sort it out and make it more readily available to people like you and me. Narrowing my search on alltop to just relationships, dating, online dating, or sex still produces an abundance of recent posts and articles from various sources, reliable, and not so much. …Articles authored by writers serious and talented, and not so much. Of value to the reader in that they exist to edify, entertain, and nourish the mind, or not so much. Articles posted maybe for nefarious purposes such as driving traffic, revenues, or other forces which cause the writer to whore him or herself to the market.

Not that I haven’t done that, or am doing that too. We all must eat. Even FlirtySomething’s Queen Bee. Yes, I am selling my new dating site, FlirtySomething.com. Yes, I wish it to become profitable as a business and to return my investment of time, energy, and $. But more fundamentally, we exist to put a buzz in your ear, to excite and amuse, and to get to the heart of matters of the heart — with special focus on online dating and singles ISO.

With that lengthy disclaimer/introduction/drumroll, I’m here to discuss the Golden Rule, the only rule, and the only real counsel to keep on your journey through every online dating conundrum.

It’s so simple — there are no rules to successful relationships or happy dating that differ from rules for success and happiness in general. So, to simplify your dating life, just remember the one rule that really matters — simply treat people — even those with whom you can play out your deepest Freudian issues and fantasies — as you wish to be treated.

It’s not called the Golden Rule because is worthless, especially now, when weeding out the wheat from the chaff is potentially so much more complicated. More people, more technology, more halls of mirrors.

How exactly the Golden Rule plays out on the dating landscape, I leave to you to discuss via your own comments and stories.

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You’re single but open to the idea of a companion, a friend, a lover, a date, a partner…whatever. You’re not miserable. You have a life. You have plenty to do. Sometimes you’re bored or lonely, but so are people in relationships.

So, you join FlirtySomething because you like to flirt. And, who knows, you may just meet someone who makes you want to skip the final season premiere of The Sopranos just to meet him.

This guy  from “datingcentral.com” might have pried me loose. His profile was interesting. Nice photos. We exchanged emails and spoke on the phone. He has a great Brooklyn accent. Everything seemed in the ball park. He suggested we meet halfway for coffee or a drink.

I agreed to touch base over the weekend. Then he sent me this:

“Dear C.,

“By the written work and the oral word there are ways to get to know someone before you meet in the flesh. To do this I want to ask you three questions, two of which I might get to “feel out” when face to face.

You are under no obligation to answer. Bit if you do not I’ll send Punjab to see you. You recall Punjab? Orphink Anise? Daddy Bulgebucks?

1 How do you love your man?

2 What is the nature of loving and being loved?

3 What is life all about?

Love,
____”

The first episode of the Sopranos was great!

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I’m convinced that online, as elsewhere, most “content” is empty, and also that a frequent indicator of something not worth reading is a title that announces a big topic broken into x-number of stages, phases, steps or whatever.

But ISO inspirational, educational, or entertaining material on dating to share with my readers, I clicked into the “8 phases of dating” and was pleasantly surprised!

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Another instance of “the more things change, the more they stay the same.” Ran across this recent ivillage article on the plights and perils of online dating, What has changed, according to the perspicacious writer of the article, is that online dating is now mainstream. Imagine that! Online daters no longer need to blanch with embarrassment when they’re outed. Everyone’s doing it. Presumably, even some people who should not be.

And the rest of the article is devoted to how to optimize your online dating experience, mainly how to sniff out the rats.

What the writer of the article fails to realize is that there is an alternative to the typical online dating site. Flirtysomething. It’s a place, by definition, hostile to cybersneaks, cheaters, and liars.

FlirtySomething’s community approach makes it nigh unto impossible for a cybersneak to go un-outed for long. Check it out. Go to flirtysomething. Find “Gloria” using the advanced search feature. Scroll through her profile for a demo of how apres date reviews and friends’ write-ups add the important 2nd and 3rd dimensions to the typical one-dimensional dating profile.

Then, sign up today. Free until we have a thriving community of cyber mensches, all looking to connect with a soul mate, or at least to enjoy the journey.

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Are you straight, gay, bisexual, monogamous, polyamorous, or, perhaps, a bit ambivalent about any or all of these categories? Is there a nook or cranny of your sexuality that you have left unexplored, or that you have explored but have kept mostly hidden from friends and family?

FlirtySomething’s Queen Bee finally got around to screening Vicky Christina Barcelona over the weekend and was mesmerized by Woody Allan’s meditation on romance, love, sex, and human relationships. If you haven’t yet seen the film, just know that it features sumptuous Spain, stand-out performances by Penelope Cruz, Javier Bardem and Scarlett Johansson,  and an intelligent script, devoid of the sad contrivances of some of Allan’s more recent work. Perhaps, he was liberated both by the displacement of a new location, as well as the exotic flavors brought to bear on the project by the fabulous cast. The story explores love duets, triangles and quartets so breezily that it feels like a throwback to an earlier form of romantic comedy, pre-WW II, maybe even Shakespearian.

Vicky Christina Barcelona also reminded me of the late 60’s and 70’s, the heady days of the sexual revolution, when the Queen Bee came of age. It reminded me that free love wasn’t just a smarmy euphemism for sluttish behavior. It called into question all of the “norms”  and conventions of “mainstream” relationships.

With this mindset in play, I clicked into this insightful article on bisexuality, an interesting read, and one that raises many of the same questions posed in the film.

Perhaps if we were all a bit more comfortable with our own and others’ sexual identity, be they ever so wide-ranging, the world would be a healthier place. What say you, dear readers?

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At flirtysomething, storytelling (distinguished from kissing and telling) is highly recommended. See our Dream and Nightmare Date Story feature, and please send us some of your own most memorable date stories. All names of people in your stories will be changed to protect the innocent, and not-so-innocent alike. Hey, it’s the classy thing to do, not to mention it protects us from potential lawsuits!

Here’s a member’s story about an ill-fated first date with a groper:

I recently exchanged numbers with a cute guy I met online. After getting to know each other a little bit on the phone we decided to attend a jazz concert together for our first date.  Things started off fine…

He picked me up outside my apartment and we chatted happily as he drove to the concert in his car.  On the way there, he said he needed to stop for gas. He pulled over and pumped gas as I waited in the car.  When he got back in the car, he closed the door then immediately reached over and cupped my breast as he tried to kiss me.  I was shocked.  “What do you think you are doing?” I asked.  “What?”  He said, with a surprised look. “I just wanted to kiss you”, he said.  “I am talking about you trying to feel my breast”.  He adamantly denied that he tried to touch my breast and claimed his hand accidentally brushed it.  “A girl knows a brush from a feel”, I tell him.  He continued to deny it but apologized anyway insisting that’s not what happened.  I was definitely not convinced but after he apologized, profusely, I agreed to continue the date.

He parked the car and we walked to the event location.   We were walking up a crowded staircase leading to the concert, when I felt someone grab my backside.  I turned around but my “date” was not immediately behind me.  He was slightly to the side but still in arms reach.  “Did you just grab my butt?” I asked.  He smiled and said, “no”.  I almost laughed at his gall. I told him he definitely had a problem.

After the concert, I stopped and purchased a beverage before I got back in the car with Mr. Octopus. He managed to drive me home without incident. He then pulled into a parking space outside my place.  I told him that the date was over and there was no need for him to park. He actually leaned in and tried to kiss me again…and this time he made a very obvious play for my breast.  I smacked his hand away.  “Are you crazy?  What is your problem?”  I asked.  “What, I’m just attracted to you?”  He said plainly, as if that made it okay.  “You grabbed my breast and backside earlier, didn’t you?”  I asked again.  “Yeah”, he laughed, “I did. What’s the big deal, aren’t you flattered?”  “What do you think?” I yelled, as I tossed my drink in his lap and exited his car.  Needless to say, that was my last encounter with that sea monster.

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Click here and enjoy listening to the love story of Trudy and Joe Hunter!

This is but one of the many recorded by an awesome organization, StoryCorps. FlirtySomething visualizes an initiative with StoryCorps where members can record stories of courtship and romance and upload them to their profiles using mobile StoryCorps studios.

The Queen Bee is buzzing about StoryCorps and hope they will response in the affirmative. For now, enjoy this story and visit StoryCorp site for more!

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The information in this post comes primarily from an article published in January, 2009 in The Independent, a British daily, perhaps on a par with USA Today in terms of its readership and coverage.

The article grapples with the eternal question of whether or not it’s a good idea to have sex on the first date from a mathematical/scientific point of view. Its findings jibe with conventional wisdom on the subject, which is that especially from a woman’s perspective, and with the premise that dating is a prelude to forming a committed relationship — having sex on the first date is not a sound principle.

It raised quite a flurry of comments when it was first published. The article’s key points –

• Scientists say they have proof that women are better off with men willing to wait before they have sex. By delaying mating, the female is able to reduce the chance that she will mate with a “bad male.”

• Now mathematicians have proved what women have been counseling their friends for years: a woman increases her chances of getting a “good” man by not sleeping with a guy right away.

• They used a numerical model to show that better partners were willing to date for a longer time before having sex, but “bad” men were more reluctant to hang around.

• Longer courtship is a way for the female to acquire information about the male. By delaying mating, the female is able to reduce the chance she will mate with a bad male. A male’s willingness to court for a long time is a signal that he is likely to be a good male.

• Long courtship is a price paid for increasing the chance that mating, if it occurs, will be a harmonious match which benefits both sexes.

If you want the complete lowdown, the research is published in January’s Journal of Theoretical Biology, in which Dr Peter Sozou, of Warwick Medical School and the LSE Centre for Philosophy of Natural and Social Science, says: “The strategic problem a female faces is how to screen out bad males, and this is where long courtship comes into play. A male is assumed to always want to mate with a female, but a good male is more willing to pay the cost of a long courtship to claim the prize of mating.”

Brits who read the Independent article when it first came out commented vociferously. And, I think the subject matter and the mathematicians’ findings are as provocative today here in the U.S. So, what say you? Is this a lot of old-fashioned, sexist hogwash, or does it have any merit? Is having sex on the first date by definition bad, and why or why not?

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First off, for those of you who don’t already know,  guided communication is a model employed by several major dating sites, ostensibly to safeguard users’ anonymity in the matching process, while, through the grace of relationship science, ensuring the optimal context for matchmaking. Depending on the particular site, you post a profile, it’s hidden, and the algorithms go to work to match you with the best candidate mates. Once you’re notified of a match, you are then stepped through a series of Q & A structured emails with that person. If the Q & A’s are mutually satisfactory, then you are finally granted the ability to openly communicate. To buy into guided communication requires that online daters:

•  Suspend disbelief in the gods of “relationship science.”

•  Give up a portion of  freedom of expression.

For the most part, people subscribe to dating sites that feature guided communication mainly to hide the fact that they are online dating from friends, family and/or colleagues. There will always be people who want to hide and, therefore, a market these dating services.

But with the gradual mainstreaming of social networking and specifically online dating, that market is narrowing. FlirtySomething dislikes guided communication for 3 big reasons:

1. It stifles the human voice.

2. It’s rigid and Orwellian and doesn’t allow for intimacy to form through phatic communication.

3. We prefer that people be/choose their own guides. We do not pretend to be relationship scientists, nor do we have the tools to predict compatibility. In fact, we don’t believe anyone really does!

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The Carol Syndrome, dubbed thus by José-Manuel Rey, PhD and professor of mathematics at Madrid University, in his award winning story published in the magazine of living mathematics, Plus +, is the anecdotal phenomenon whereby especially attractive women and men are often left unapproached, deemed unapproachable, and go virtually dateless notwithstanding their obvious physical appeal.

As much as the Queen Bee digs living mathematics, she must admit that Rey’s equations are often a bit over her head. That said, there’s still a lot to buzz about when it comes to the Carol Syndrome.

Here’s a synopsis of the Carol syndrome problem and its rational or mathematical solutions according to Rey’s calculations:

Carol is Rey’s friend, or your friend, or you — a beautiful, intelligent, yet somewhat shy and unassertive single adult. Let’s pretend that she’s a real person, heterosexual, and that Guy (any guy) sees her across a crowded room and is attracted to her immediately. He hesitates, considering three possible outcomes that might ensue:

1. He approaches her and ends up getting her phone number and a date.
2. He does not approach Carol, but he can still enjoy doing something else — like a crossword puzzle, maybe, or walking his dog.

3. He approaches Carol, but she cuts him off at the pass. He will feel miserable for a week.

Guy evaluates the outcomes assigning the numbers a, b and 0 to options (a), (b), and (c), respectively, with a>b>0. By this he means that he prefers (a) to (b) and (b) to the worst scenario (c).

To compound the difficulty of his choice, Guy realizes that he is not the only guy in the room who would like to make a date with Carol and that his success or failure depends not only on Carol and him, but also on the actions of other guys independently considering whether to approach Carol or not.

He can safely, and with all due modesty, assume that he will get (a) only if no one else approaches Carol and (c) when he is not the only one approaching Carol. Of course if he does not talk to Carol, he gets (b).
Rey’s point is that Guy’s choices regarding to flirt or not to flirt depend so strongly on the choices of others and make this an interactive decision problem. “The study of how individual behaviour is conditioned by the social environment is the objective of social psychology. The interaction involved here is the trademark of game theory, which was developed in the twentieth century.”

Hence, these factors inhibit Guy from approaching the beautiful, if lonely, Carol: The more admirers she has, the less likely Guy is to talk to her; the more attractive she is, the more likely many guys are thinking about whether or not to approach her. Therefore, Guy, and all the other guys at the bar, will very likely choose not to risk Carol’s rejection.

Rey concludes, “Carol’s perception that she scares men away is not a delusion after all. According to the mathematics above, she may be justified in thinking that guys stay away from her. It is not a matter of bad luck but a collateral effect of interactive rationality. A paradoxical consequence is that Carol’s attractiveness acts as a repellent.”

The Queen Bee’s takeaway is simply this — take a risk. Next time you’re searching online or off for a date, don’t pass someone up just because they’re too beautiful and you feel unworthy. What have you got to lose? The possible rewards seem to far outweigh the risk of a “week of feeling miserable.” Besides, only a deeply insecure person would spend a week feeling miserable just because some beautiful stranger turned them down for a date!

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