At about the time Barack Obama was announcing his plans to run for president my marriage of ten years was ending ignominiously. Do they ever end otherwise? Plenty of accountability to go around, but that’s not what this is about. A couple of years later the On-the-Rebound relationship I had sling-shot myself into after the marriage also came to a close. She moved 800 miles away, but that’s not what this is about either. And then my job went away.  But this isn’t about that either.

So it was that I greeted the onset of summer 2009 with a sense that things couldn’t get much worse. One consequence of which was my decision to try online dating. It promised, if not a cure for my ills, at least something new, a distraction. Time Magazine reports that online dating skyrockets during periods of economic stress. But I’m pretty sure this thought came from errant neurons somewhere in my temporal lobe spewing dopamine when they should of have been doing serotonin. But whatever the chemical or economic origins, online dating went to the top of my to do list.

It was an unaccountably attractive idea. First, there was the novelty of using the ‘net for something other than job hunting. And porn. This would be a new digital frontier. Second, let’s face it, companionship is an important part of a well-balanced life. So with credit card and password in hand, I became a fledgling member of Match.com.

The first challenge for the online dating neophyte is to create the persona he wishes to project to the universe of prospective companions. This is done by way of posting your personal profile. Writing this detailed story of your life is nothing if not tedious.  What do you do for work? (“Nothing” probably doesn’t work). What do you do for fun? (I have varied interests). What are your Favorite Things? (Blah blah blah), Your Favorite Hot Spots? (Yada yada). What have you read recently? What about your pets? And your answer to every nutty question will have a direct impact on your online dating success. So, while eager, I knew I needed to proceed thoughtfully and with care.

Drafting a description of myself that would create just the right balance of youthful maturity, intellectual capacity and physical virility was not easy. But with an active imagination, some help from the New York Times Book Review for the question “What have you read recently?”, and several successive café americanos, the profile took shape and my online dating career was launched.

Fast forward to the first date. My intent was to approach this event with no expectations. British Beach Babe, as she called herself in her profile, was a former Playboy Bunny. Not the kind of bunny in the centerfold, it turns out, but the kind that served cocktails at the playboy club in London. Plus, you had to admire the alliteration of British Beach Babe. Annie, her real life name, had clearly been beautiful in a spunky, Tippi Hedren sort of way. But those days were several decades and a few thousand cartons of Marlboros ago. So, from the moment I first laid eyes on her, I was called upon to silently invoke my mantra:  “You are here with no expectations. You are here with no expectations.”

She asked me in and offered a tour of her patio vegetable garden. Very nice, though the tour’s narrative was a bit slurred, and I noted during the next 15 or 20 minutes her consuming three more large glasses of wine. Which, of course, only aggravated the slurring. Okay then.

At the restaurant we spoke of the usual first date topics: our children’s careers, our own careers, the ups and downs of online dating … and her dependency on prescription pain killers. Stifling the urge to request the check immediately, I smiled and nodded and hailed the waiter when she was ready for the next glass of wine. And the next. When we got back to her door I demurred on the suggestion of a night cap.  Awfully late, I’ve got polo practice in the morning. She understood completely.

I should probably say here that I decided a long time ago to quit drinking and have been sober coming on 15 years. But I don’t expect anyone else to modify their behavior because I’ve made this choice. I’m perfectly comfortable being around others who are enjoying a glass of wine or a cocktail.  But Annie probably exceeded her level of tolerance before we left for dinner.

The next morning I sent off the following email:

Dear Annie,

Thank you for a memorable evening. In reviewing our time together I have concluded that the disparities in our lifestyles are too great to allow a mutually beneficial relationship to unfold.  I wish you the very best and know you will find a suitable companion if you keep at it.

Best,

<!–[if supportFields]> CONTACT _Con-3C7F7DEE1 c s l <![endif]–>Steve<!–[if supportFields]><![endif]–>

A few days later I received a reply that appeared to be written in a garbled language I have never seen before, and I quote:

Drrrr steve../.k iam sooo sryo yyouo[ di’nt lik me. To bd. It wsnt  ment to be/.k.

I swear.

British Beach Babe has not been heard from since.

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But ISO inspirational, educational, or entertaining material on dating to share with my readers, I clicked into the “8 phases of dating” and was pleasantly surprised!

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So, you join FlirtySomething because you like to flirt. And, who knows, you may just meet someone who makes you want to skip the final season premiere of The Sopranos just to meet him.

This guy  from “datingcentral.com” might have pried me loose. His profile was interesting. Nice photos. We exchanged emails and spoke on the phone. He has a great Brooklyn accent. Everything seemed in the ball park. He suggested we meet halfway for coffee or a drink.

I agreed to touch base over the weekend. Then he sent me this:

“Dear C.,

“By the written work and the oral word there are ways to get to know someone before you meet in the flesh. To do this I want to ask you three questions, two of which I might get to “feel out” when face to face.

You are under no obligation to answer. Bit if you do not I’ll send Punjab to see you. You recall Punjab? Orphink Anise? Daddy Bulgebucks?

1 How do you love your man?

2 What is the nature of loving and being loved?

3 What is life all about?

Love,
____”

The first episode of the Sopranos was great!

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FlirtySomething builds safety into its features, too. With so many ways to communicate between and about members, FlirtySomething’s functionality enables singles to stand on their reputation in the community, just as in the real world.

In general, if you’re cyber dating, it makes sense to…

1. Arrange to meet for coffee or lunch rather than dinner. Not only are you safer in the day but you don’t waste so much time if it doesn’t work.

2. Help prevent any unwanted advances by being polite but not leading them on. If you don’t fancy them, just say “You’re a lovely person, but unfortunately, not what I was looking for.”

3. Don’t invite strangers to your home and don’t go to theirs until you know them very well. Just don’t. Anyone you meet online is a stranger. Even on FlirtySomething.

4. Trust your gut instinct and listen carefully to their relationship history. Are they on FlirtySomething for the right reasons or are they just looking to hook-up?

5. Give the details of your date to several friends - where you’ll be, the time you’ll meet, the person’s name, phone number and address.

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Then there’s reality, the often ugly aftermath of marriage — the 50% divorce rate.

According to Cherlin, “‘two powerful forces are at war in America, a historic belief in marriage grounded in our religious heritage on the one hand and a foundational principle of individual freedom and a post-modern sense of the right to self-fulfillment on the other. When these values clash, breakup and divorce follow.’” We tend to rush into relationships, and we tend to suffer the unintended consequences.

Americans voted for the Obama platform, but also for the Obama relationship. We feel their chemistry. We approve of the way they treat each other,  at least in public. But you can’t fake tenderness. Theirs seems to be a marriage in the best sense of the word, a model to emulate in our own personal lives.

Which begs the question: How did this seemingly close-to-perfect union come to be in the first place? Michelle has gone on record that she and Barack were friends first.

In an April, 2009 interview with Oprah, the first lady says: “Barack is a human being with flaws. And I can rattle down all the flaws and tease him about them every day, but those flaws are not fundamental. They don’t hit upon things that are intolerable to me. In terms of his core values, he has never disappointed me. … I don’t lose sight of the fact that he’s the president, but first and foremost he’s my husband, my friend, and the father of my children. That didn’t change with his hand on the Lincoln Bible. But it doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate the gravity of what he’s doing. The way I can honor that is by working by his side and adding value to what he’s doing in any way that I can.”

A  July, 2008 Chicago Sun Times story, encapsulates their romance:

“Michelle Robinson was a first-year attorney at the Chicago law firm of Sidley Austin. Word rippled through the law office that a hot-shot Harvard law student would be working at the firm that summer. The future Michelle Obama saw a photograph of the new hire and was less than dazzled.

‘I thought, OK, he’s probably not all that terrific, and he’s probably kind of a clown, and then I found out that his name was Barack Obama….And like everybody else, I thought, ‘Well, what kind of name is that?’
And then Michelle learned she’d been assigned to mentor the new guy. In the flesh, though, Barack was less geeky than he appeared in his photo, and he wasn’t the cocky Harvard student she’d been expecting.

He had both a worldly charm and a genuine desire to help the less-fortunate. Michelle found herself laughing at the same things as Barack. If she was cynical about something, he seemed to see it that way, too.

‘I was charmed, and we became instant friends after [the] first conversation,’ Michelle Obama said.”

They dated for two-plus years. Barack Obama was a bit skittish about the institution of marriage, but finally caved and proposed to his best friend and lover, Michelle.

Friends first. Friends forever.

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Here’s a member’s story about an ill-fated first date with a groper:

I recently exchanged numbers with a cute guy I met online. After getting to know each other a little bit on the phone we decided to attend a jazz concert together for our first date.  Things started off fine…

He picked me up outside my apartment and we chatted happily as he drove to the concert in his car.  On the way there, he said he needed to stop for gas. He pulled over and pumped gas as I waited in the car.  When he got back in the car, he closed the door then immediately reached over and cupped my breast as he tried to kiss me.  I was shocked.  “What do you think you are doing?” I asked.  “What?”  He said, with a surprised look. “I just wanted to kiss you”, he said.  “I am talking about you trying to feel my breast”.  He adamantly denied that he tried to touch my breast and claimed his hand accidentally brushed it.  “A girl knows a brush from a feel”, I tell him.  He continued to deny it but apologized anyway insisting that’s not what happened.  I was definitely not convinced but after he apologized, profusely, I agreed to continue the date.

He parked the car and we walked to the event location.   We were walking up a crowded staircase leading to the concert, when I felt someone grab my backside.  I turned around but my “date” was not immediately behind me.  He was slightly to the side but still in arms reach.  “Did you just grab my butt?” I asked.  He smiled and said, “no”.  I almost laughed at his gall. I told him he definitely had a problem.

After the concert, I stopped and purchased a beverage before I got back in the car with Mr. Octopus. He managed to drive me home without incident. He then pulled into a parking space outside my place.  I told him that the date was over and there was no need for him to park. He actually leaned in and tried to kiss me again…and this time he made a very obvious play for my breast.  I smacked his hand away.  “Are you crazy?  What is your problem?”  I asked.  “What, I’m just attracted to you?”  He said plainly, as if that made it okay.  “You grabbed my breast and backside earlier, didn’t you?”  I asked again.  “Yeah”, he laughed, “I did. What’s the big deal, aren’t you flattered?”  “What do you think?” I yelled, as I tossed my drink in his lap and exited his car.  Needless to say, that was my last encounter with that sea monster.

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Here’s the deal…Barack Obama is still head over heals about Michelle. After 20 years of being a couple, he talks about the awesomeness of gazing into her eyes and feeling mystery and surprise.

Says the Prez, “Sometimes, when we’re lying together, I look at her and I feel dizzy with the realization that here is another distinct person from me, who has memories, origins, thoughts, feelings that are different from my own. That tension between familiarity and mystery meshes something strong between us. Even if one builds a life together based on trust, attentiveness and mutual support, I think that’s it’s important that a partner continues to surprise.”

According to Today Show sexpert, Ian Kerner, the president could not have accounted for the first couple’s nearly perfect union any better. Kerner notes that “marriages are built on a foundation of responsibility, dependability and predictability. But sexual attraction is based on spontaneity, unpredictability and, to Obama’s point, a little mystery. Reconciling those two opposite poles — familiarity and mystery — is one of the biggest challenges a couple faces.”

To do so requires a mutual effort by both parties in a relationship.

Recently, while on their whirlwind European tour, the Obama’s even made time for a much ballyhooed date night in Prague. Both the President and the First Lady make intimate time with each other a big priority, even amidst the demands of their busy schedules. Date nights sustain their relationship by allowing time to reignite the flame, to rediscover each other, to further probe the mystery of their union.

The Queen Bee’s takeaway: a great romance is one in which neither partner takes the relationship for granted.

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Originally published in Psychology Today, author Kathleen McGowan lists seven important truths we all should know, or do know and repress or ignore, about sex and long-term passion. Here’s a brief summary of McGowan’s points; my comments follow each shocker in brackets.

1. Many people don’t really want great sex. Good sexual experiences can be emotionally overpowering—mind-blowing, rather than warm and comforting. Lusty sex requires you to confront all kinds of worries—getting so close to your partner that he or she overwhelms you, or being rejected at an intensely vulnerable moment. It may even put you in touch with your own mortality, reminding you that your partner won’t always be around. Great sex requires inner reserves to tolerate the angst. [Yep, I imagine this is so, because it applies to human psychology generally. Any great endeavor requires courage.]
2. It gets better with age. Even though young people get aroused more quickly, amazing sex is a specialty of people in their 40s and 60s, contends Schnarch. In youth, women struggle to be sexual but not “cheap”; men are easily threatened. Midway through life, you have a stronger sense of self and are less self-conscious and insecure. [Yep, I can testify to this from personal experience.]
3. Compromise may not work. Trade-offs (I’ll do this if you’ll do that) may seem egalitarian, but in practice, each partner rules out anything that makes him or her uptight. The couple is left with a limited repertoire that guarantees boredom, not to mention scorekeeping and resentment when one partner is less enthusiastic than the other. Better to take the initiative and challenge yourself to try something new. [Sex is or should be one of the few aspects of life wherein negotiating and playing it too safe is uncalled for — i.e. if you’re with the right partner.]
4. Women like hot sex. Women are often much more interested than men in talking about “fucking”—horny, lusty, intense sex—Schnarch reports. But in bed, they often hold back out of shame or fear of making their partner feel inadequate. A lot of couples think that married sex is supposed to be gentle, affectionate “making love”—and feel guilty if they want to get nasty. [Which women are these? My married lady friends don’t talk to me about “fucking” — maybe because I’m single. My single lady friends are mostly celibate. But I suppose there’s truth to the claim that women hold back in bed because they are conditioned to think it’s more lady-like to do so.]
5. Sex isn’t a skill. The hoopla about techniques is a red herring. If you think of sex as a set of talents, you’re going to wind up focused on doing it right, rather than on who you’re doing it with. Likewise, giving your partner a technical playbook (there but not here, this way and not that way) leads to mechanically proficient, predictable and emotionally dead sex. You may also not know exactly what you want—it changes! Pushing your own limits by organically exploring new sexual styles fosters more sizzle. [Sex is dance.]
6. Cancel the orgasm derby. More orgasms don’t equal better sex. Lots of people can perform in bed—all the parts work just fine—but are never really satisfied, because they’re too emotionally disconnected. That’s usually said about men rather than women, but both sexes are capable of being physically aroused without getting any erotic charge, and both can have orgasms without really enjoying the sex. Instead of focusing on orgasms, pay more attention to the emotional and physical connection: Can you become intensely aware of your partner during sex? Can you make contact? [Orgasms are good and healthy and sometimes easier to come by than other times. No matter, sex, like life, should be all about the journey.]
7. Tune in—don’t space out. Shutting down your brain, focusing on your sensations and going into a trance state, or fantasizing about others, all of which sex therapists often recommend, may help you have decent sex, since it can jump-start your engine. But by zeroing in on your body or your thoughts alone, you’ve tuned out your partner. You’re also vulnerable to distractions: The mood can easily be shattered by a car alarm. Shifting your focus to include your partner can make the experience much more intense. [Geez Louise, of course one should include his or her partner in the process. Partners are not just props for self-gratification. If that’s all you seek, why bother with a partner in the first place? That’s called masturbation.]

So, basically, I’m not at all shocked by these so-called sex shockers. But I do think these are points worth noting.

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This is but one of the many recorded by an awesome organization, StoryCorps. FlirtySomething visualizes an initiative with StoryCorps where members can record stories of courtship and romance and upload them to their profiles using mobile StoryCorps studios.

The Queen Bee is buzzing about StoryCorps and hope they will response in the affirmative. For now, enjoy this story and visit StoryCorp site for more!

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Something feels too overt, too forward, too aggressive about either phoning or emailing this person. But you want to tell them that their profile picture doesn’t do them justice, or that you’re not used to a guy opening the car door, or to generally communicate that you’d like to go out again, or not….

As a service for singles in search of a soul mate, FlirtySomething is all about making the journey as fun, frustration-free, and functional as possible.

• So we devised the Apres Date Review system — to provide a dynamic new communication channel for FlirtySomething members.
•  Sign up or sign in to FlirtySomething today and post an Apres Date Review about the last date you went on. Don’t worry, the review will not be published with your profile unless both you and your date approve!
• Please send us any feedback, comments, critiques of your experience using the FlirtySomething Apres Date Review system.

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