So, you join FlirtySomething because you like to flirt. And, who knows, you may just meet someone who makes you want to skip the final season premiere of The Sopranos just to meet him.

This guy  from “datingcentral.com” might have pried me loose. His profile was interesting. Nice photos. We exchanged emails and spoke on the phone. He has a great Brooklyn accent. Everything seemed in the ball park. He suggested we meet halfway for coffee or a drink.

I agreed to touch base over the weekend. Then he sent me this:

“Dear C.,

“By the written work and the oral word there are ways to get to know someone before you meet in the flesh. To do this I want to ask you three questions, two of which I might get to “feel out” when face to face.

You are under no obligation to answer. Bit if you do not I’ll send Punjab to see you. You recall Punjab? Orphink Anise? Daddy Bulgebucks?

1 How do you love your man?

2 What is the nature of loving and being loved?

3 What is life all about?

Love,
____”

The first episode of the Sopranos was great!

Bookmark It

But ISO inspirational, educational, or entertaining material on dating to share with my readers, I clicked into the “8 phases of dating” and was pleasantly surprised!

Bookmark It

1. No picture; or a lousy picture. Anyone can take a decent photo. You don’t have to be Angelina or Brad and appeal to all of humanity. You’re only trying to find one soul mate. Right? So do yourself a favor, and post a flattering photo of yourself. A head shot is really all you need, for starters. One in which you’re not wearing shades, or a hat, or squinting into the sun, or dressed in costume and clown makeup. No really! That’s the least you can provide to other single folks like yourself. Of course, if you want to post pictures of yourself in various guises, or of your dog or grandchild or 57 Corvette or your lovely garden…well, go for it! The more visual information you provide, the better. But, please, refrain from posting pictures of yourself 20 years younger and 40 pounds slimmer, unless you also supply captions disclosing these important facts. By the way, FlirtySomething is the only dating site I’ve run across that allows members to caption their photos. And, finally, don’t not post a picture. By now, every single worth his or her salt should have a digital photo ready to post. No excuses accepted. I wouldn’t consider pinging a profile without a picture.

2. A sloppily written “about me” essay. Here’s what I think when I read some of the ungrammatical, misspelled, downright illiterate profile essays out there on dating sites. I think, “What was he thinking?” I know I’m a little pickier than many about writing — can’t help it. I’m a writer and an English teacher. But allowing for that, I’ve run across personal profiles that appear to have been composed while the writer is sleeping, or in a coma, or sitting in the dark. Your personal essay is such a big part of the first impression that you make. Spell check. Read it over twice. Inject a little personality and wit. Most of all, tell your story. Don’t turn ‘em away at hello. Hello!

Bookmark It

Here’s a member’s story about an ill-fated first date with a groper:

I recently exchanged numbers with a cute guy I met online. After getting to know each other a little bit on the phone we decided to attend a jazz concert together for our first date.  Things started off fine…

He picked me up outside my apartment and we chatted happily as he drove to the concert in his car.  On the way there, he said he needed to stop for gas. He pulled over and pumped gas as I waited in the car.  When he got back in the car, he closed the door then immediately reached over and cupped my breast as he tried to kiss me.  I was shocked.  “What do you think you are doing?” I asked.  “What?”  He said, with a surprised look. “I just wanted to kiss you”, he said.  “I am talking about you trying to feel my breast”.  He adamantly denied that he tried to touch my breast and claimed his hand accidentally brushed it.  “A girl knows a brush from a feel”, I tell him.  He continued to deny it but apologized anyway insisting that’s not what happened.  I was definitely not convinced but after he apologized, profusely, I agreed to continue the date.

He parked the car and we walked to the event location.   We were walking up a crowded staircase leading to the concert, when I felt someone grab my backside.  I turned around but my “date” was not immediately behind me.  He was slightly to the side but still in arms reach.  “Did you just grab my butt?” I asked.  He smiled and said, “no”.  I almost laughed at his gall. I told him he definitely had a problem.

After the concert, I stopped and purchased a beverage before I got back in the car with Mr. Octopus. He managed to drive me home without incident. He then pulled into a parking space outside my place.  I told him that the date was over and there was no need for him to park. He actually leaned in and tried to kiss me again…and this time he made a very obvious play for my breast.  I smacked his hand away.  “Are you crazy?  What is your problem?”  I asked.  “What, I’m just attracted to you?”  He said plainly, as if that made it okay.  “You grabbed my breast and backside earlier, didn’t you?”  I asked again.  “Yeah”, he laughed, “I did. What’s the big deal, aren’t you flattered?”  “What do you think?” I yelled, as I tossed my drink in his lap and exited his car.  Needless to say, that was my last encounter with that sea monster.

Bookmark It

FlirtySomething builds safety into its features, too. With so many ways to communicate between and about members, FlirtySomething’s functionality enables singles to stand on their reputation in the community, just as in the real world.

In general, if you’re cyber dating, it makes sense to…

1. Arrange to meet for coffee or lunch rather than dinner. Not only are you safer in the day but you don’t waste so much time if it doesn’t work.

2. Help prevent any unwanted advances by being polite but not leading them on. If you don’t fancy them, just say “You’re a lovely person, but unfortunately, not what I was looking for.”

3. Don’t invite strangers to your home and don’t go to theirs until you know them very well. Just don’t. Anyone you meet online is a stranger. Even on FlirtySomething.

4. Trust your gut instinct and listen carefully to their relationship history. Are they on FlirtySomething for the right reasons or are they just looking to hook-up?

5. Give the details of your date to several friends - where you’ll be, the time you’ll meet, the person’s name, phone number and address.

Bookmark It

That’s good news, for sure, and at FlirtySomething, we’re not entirely surprised. We think 2009 is going to be a great year for love, and a great year for our fledgling company. And here’s why:

1. Hope is in the air. Just a few months back, we witnessed the swearing in of Barack Obama. No matter who you voted for or what your politics are, Obama’s election bears out the old adage that “hope dies last.” Foreclosures, unemployment, bankruptcy, environmental blight, and two endless wars have dominated headlines for months on end. Every new day brings new revelations about just how dire the state of the world is. But Americans proved on November 4, 2008, that we are still a nation built on hopes and dreams of a better future.

2. During hard economic times, people often re-evaluate what’s really important. Retail sales were down by all indicators during the 2008 holiday season. It was as if everyone joined Reverend Billy at the Church of Stop Shopping! The flip side of the recession may be that we are collectively rediscovering what sustains us — meaningful relationships with friends, family and, if we are lucky to have one, our soulmate.

3. FlirtySomething is part of a larger cultural trend, cocooning. When resources are tight, people naturally pick and choose more carefully what to spend their time and money on. Big is not necessarily better. For many veteran online daters, first-generation online dating feels humdrum and Orwellian compared to Facebook or Change.gov. We are internet savvy. Our time online has to be rewarding in and of itself. FlirtySomething marks an important baby step in online dating, when singles can hopefully harness the full potential of technology to “Be You, Be Two.”

Bookmark It

This is but one of the many recorded by an awesome organization, StoryCorps. FlirtySomething visualizes an initiative with StoryCorps where members can record stories of courtship and romance and upload them to their profiles using mobile StoryCorps studios.

The Queen Bee is buzzing about StoryCorps and hope they will response in the affirmative. For now, enjoy this story and visit StoryCorp site for more!

Bookmark It

Here’s the deal…Barack Obama is still head over heals about Michelle. After 20 years of being a couple, he talks about the awesomeness of gazing into her eyes and feeling mystery and surprise.

Says the Prez, “Sometimes, when we’re lying together, I look at her and I feel dizzy with the realization that here is another distinct person from me, who has memories, origins, thoughts, feelings that are different from my own. That tension between familiarity and mystery meshes something strong between us. Even if one builds a life together based on trust, attentiveness and mutual support, I think that’s it’s important that a partner continues to surprise.”

According to Today Show sexpert, Ian Kerner, the president could not have accounted for the first couple’s nearly perfect union any better. Kerner notes that “marriages are built on a foundation of responsibility, dependability and predictability. But sexual attraction is based on spontaneity, unpredictability and, to Obama’s point, a little mystery. Reconciling those two opposite poles — familiarity and mystery — is one of the biggest challenges a couple faces.”

To do so requires a mutual effort by both parties in a relationship.

Recently, while on their whirlwind European tour, the Obama’s even made time for a much ballyhooed date night in Prague. Both the President and the First Lady make intimate time with each other a big priority, even amidst the demands of their busy schedules. Date nights sustain their relationship by allowing time to reignite the flame, to rediscover each other, to further probe the mystery of their union.

The Queen Bee’s takeaway: a great romance is one in which neither partner takes the relationship for granted.

Bookmark It

Then there’s reality, the often ugly aftermath of marriage — the 50% divorce rate.

According to Cherlin, “‘two powerful forces are at war in America, a historic belief in marriage grounded in our religious heritage on the one hand and a foundational principle of individual freedom and a post-modern sense of the right to self-fulfillment on the other. When these values clash, breakup and divorce follow.’” We tend to rush into relationships, and we tend to suffer the unintended consequences.

Americans voted for the Obama platform, but also for the Obama relationship. We feel their chemistry. We approve of the way they treat each other,  at least in public. But you can’t fake tenderness. Theirs seems to be a marriage in the best sense of the word, a model to emulate in our own personal lives.

Which begs the question: How did this seemingly close-to-perfect union come to be in the first place? Michelle has gone on record that she and Barack were friends first.

In an April, 2009 interview with Oprah, the first lady says: “Barack is a human being with flaws. And I can rattle down all the flaws and tease him about them every day, but those flaws are not fundamental. They don’t hit upon things that are intolerable to me. In terms of his core values, he has never disappointed me. … I don’t lose sight of the fact that he’s the president, but first and foremost he’s my husband, my friend, and the father of my children. That didn’t change with his hand on the Lincoln Bible. But it doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate the gravity of what he’s doing. The way I can honor that is by working by his side and adding value to what he’s doing in any way that I can.”

A  July, 2008 Chicago Sun Times story, encapsulates their romance:

“Michelle Robinson was a first-year attorney at the Chicago law firm of Sidley Austin. Word rippled through the law office that a hot-shot Harvard law student would be working at the firm that summer. The future Michelle Obama saw a photograph of the new hire and was less than dazzled.

‘I thought, OK, he’s probably not all that terrific, and he’s probably kind of a clown, and then I found out that his name was Barack Obama….And like everybody else, I thought, ‘Well, what kind of name is that?’
And then Michelle learned she’d been assigned to mentor the new guy. In the flesh, though, Barack was less geeky than he appeared in his photo, and he wasn’t the cocky Harvard student she’d been expecting.

He had both a worldly charm and a genuine desire to help the less-fortunate. Michelle found herself laughing at the same things as Barack. If she was cynical about something, he seemed to see it that way, too.

‘I was charmed, and we became instant friends after [the] first conversation,’ Michelle Obama said.”

They dated for two-plus years. Barack Obama was a bit skittish about the institution of marriage, but finally caved and proposed to his best friend and lover, Michelle.

Friends first. Friends forever.

Bookmark It

Not that I haven’t done that, or am doing that too. We all must eat. Even FlirtySomething’s Queen Bee. Yes, I am selling my new dating site, FlirtySomething.com. Yes, I wish it to become profitable as a business and to return my investment of time, energy, and $. But more fundamentally, we exist to put a buzz in your ear, to excite and amuse, and to get to the heart of matters of the heart — with special focus on online dating and singles ISO.

With that lengthy disclaimer/introduction/drumroll, I’m here to discuss the Golden Rule, the only rule, and the only real counsel to keep on your journey through every online dating conundrum.

It’s so simple — there are no rules to successful relationships or happy dating that differ from rules for success and happiness in general. So, to simplify your dating life, just remember the one rule that really matters — simply treat people — even those with whom you can play out your deepest Freudian issues and fantasies — as you wish to be treated.

It’s not called the Golden Rule because is worthless, especially now, when weeding out the wheat from the chaff is potentially so much more complicated. More people, more technology, more halls of mirrors.

How exactly the Golden Rule plays out on the dating landscape, I leave to you to discuss via your own comments and stories.

Bookmark It