“Randy was handsome, English, and his favorite movie was Ingmar Bergman’s Wild Strawberries. ‘Looks aren’t important to me,’ his profile said. ‘I’m looking for personality.’ I emailed him, and he responded within the hour.

We moved quickly from email to phone calls to first date. He was as attractive in person as in his photo – a full head of wavy red hair, rugged face with twinkling blue eyes. After a game of pool, he kissed me unexpectedly across the table. Nice. And that English accent. Doesn’t anything said with an English accent sound classy?

Still, with all his attractive traits, something didn’t seem right. I determined to meet him again, but to hold back on getting too interested.

We went on dates weekly for the next month. He was charming, interesting – full of stories. He had traveled. He took classes, even one in watercolor. The perfect man?

There was one very strange thing about Randy. On each of our dates, when it was time to order drinks, I’d order something non-alcoholic. And every time, yes, every time, he’d ask me why I didn’t drink. He’d probe for reasons. It usually took fifteen minutes to convince him I really didn’t like alcohol, as though he hadn’t heard exactly the same explanation the week before. It was odd.

Finally, my intuition told me that despite all his obvious attributes, there was no connection. I met him at a local bar, and gave him the ‘this isn’t working’ speech. It went well. We agreed to end as friends.

‘Now that we’re friends,’ I said, ‘I can ask you something that’s been driving me crazy. Why is it that every time we go out, you ask me why I don’t drink? Don’t you remember from the last time?’

He paused and looked thoughtful. ‘Well,’ he said, ‘first, forgive me for my forgetfulness regarding your beverage preferences, but now that we’re friends, I suppose I can tell you. I’ve been very busy these last few weeks. About the same time you contacted me on the dating site, two other women contacted me. I’ve been seeing all of you each week, waiting to see who I wanted to be with. I’ve slept with both of them, and I was just waiting to sleep with you before I decided who the winner was. And, I guess, alcohol consumption is usually a good prelude for that.’

I beamed. He looked at me in confusion.

‘What?’ he asked.

I could not relax the smile that I could feel stretching from ear to ear. ‘You make me so happy! So very happy!”

‘But why?’ I’d just broken up with him: how could I be happy?

I placed my hands on Randy’s shoulders and looked him square in the face. He had just revealed to me that I had escaped being one of the women in an unannounced sex contest. He was handsome and charming, and there was no chance I was going to sleep with him only to find out that he was sleeping with two other women while he waited to find out who was ‘best.’ Life was good.

‘Because I’m not dating you,’ I told him. ‘Because I’m not dating you!”’

______

Actually, it’s kind of a pedestrian story in the online dating universe. Most of us online daters, especially, have been part of such a competition, wittingly and unwittingly. And it begs the following questions:

1. Do you think comparison shopping-for-the-best girlfriend/boyfriend is inherent in online dating?

2. When do you take your dating profile out of play? Should two people have a “taking our profiles out of play” conversation? Why, and when?

3. Have you ever broken it off with someone early on because they were always on Match.com or POF, even as you two were seeing each other?

4. Have you yourself been an online dating-aholic?

Please post all your favorite dating stories, hellish to hilarious to heavenly…on FlirtySomething.com  of FlirtySomething’s Facebook page today!

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Something feels too overt, too forward, too aggressive about either phoning or emailing this person. But you want to tell them that their profile picture doesn’t do them justice, or that you’re not used to a guy opening the car door, or to generally communicate that you’d like to go out again, or not….

As a service for singles in search of a soul mate, FlirtySomething is all about making the journey as fun, frustration-free, and functional as possible.

• So we devised the Apres Date Review system — to provide a dynamic new communication channel for FlirtySomething members.
•  Sign up or sign in to FlirtySomething today and post an Apres Date Review about the last date you went on. Don’t worry, the review will not be published with your profile unless both you and your date approve!
• Please send us any feedback, comments, critiques of your experience using the FlirtySomething Apres Date Review system.

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She’s a curly-haired redhead in her mid-twenties from a family of farmers and truck drivers in Buffalo, New York. She just got her first solo apartment in Long Beach, and she’s really enjoying the privacy and autonomy that affords her. She said she’s not going out so compulsively. In fact, she loves to stay home now and cook dinner and luxuriate in her singlehood. Her favorite meal is Sloppy Joes. Kind of a throwback…

She met a really nice guy recently, a Spaniard. They’ve gone out a couple of times, but she’s taking it slow. For the first time, she’s able to communicate her feelings with a guy, she told me. Apparently, this guy from Spain has tapped into something in her that eluded the farmers and truck drivers she grew up with. He showed up at the salon while A_ was cutting my hair. Surprised her with a large Jamba Juice. Maybe he’ll teach her a thing or two about nutrition! Looking forward to next haircut and a progress report on this budding relationship.

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Not that I haven’t done that, or am doing that too. We all must eat. Even FlirtySomething’s Queen Bee. Yes, I am selling my new dating site, FlirtySomething.com. Yes, I wish it to become profitable as a business and to return my investment of time, energy, and $. But more fundamentally, we exist to put a buzz in your ear, to excite and amuse, and to get to the heart of matters of the heart — with special focus on online dating and singles ISO.

With that lengthy disclaimer/introduction/drumroll, I’m here to discuss the Golden Rule, the only rule, and the only real counsel to keep on your journey through every online dating conundrum.

It’s so simple — there are no rules to successful relationships or happy dating that differ from rules for success and happiness in general. So, to simplify your dating life, just remember the one rule that really matters — simply treat people — even those with whom you can play out your deepest Freudian issues and fantasies — as you wish to be treated.

It’s not called the Golden Rule because is worthless, especially now, when weeding out the wheat from the chaff is potentially so much more complicated. More people, more technology, more halls of mirrors.

How exactly the Golden Rule plays out on the dating landscape, I leave to you to discuss via your own comments and stories.

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1. No picture; or a lousy picture. Anyone can take a decent photo. You don’t have to be Angelina or Brad and appeal to all of humanity. You’re only trying to find one soul mate. Right? So do yourself a favor, and post a flattering photo of yourself. A head shot is really all you need, for starters. One in which you’re not wearing shades, or a hat, or squinting into the sun, or dressed in costume and clown makeup. No really! That’s the least you can provide to other single folks like yourself. Of course, if you want to post pictures of yourself in various guises, or of your dog or grandchild or 57 Corvette or your lovely garden…well, go for it! The more visual information you provide, the better. But, please, refrain from posting pictures of yourself 20 years younger and 40 pounds slimmer, unless you also supply captions disclosing these important facts. By the way, FlirtySomething is the only dating site I’ve run across that allows members to caption their photos. And, finally, don’t not post a picture. By now, every single worth his or her salt should have a digital photo ready to post. No excuses accepted. I wouldn’t consider pinging a profile without a picture.

2. A sloppily written “about me” essay. Here’s what I think when I read some of the ungrammatical, misspelled, downright illiterate profile essays out there on dating sites. I think, “What was he thinking?” I know I’m a little pickier than many about writing — can’t help it. I’m a writer and an English teacher. But allowing for that, I’ve run across personal profiles that appear to have been composed while the writer is sleeping, or in a coma, or sitting in the dark. Your personal essay is such a big part of the first impression that you make. Spell check. Read it over twice. Inject a little personality and wit. Most of all, tell your story. Don’t turn ‘em away at hello. Hello!

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Epithumia — attraction to the “other”, desire
Eros — romance, longing
Storge — affection, belonging
Phile — friendship, cherishing
Agape — unconditional love, selfless giving.

“Love” is outdistancing “sex” and “garage sales” in the current FlirtySomething Times interactive poll as the most interesting subject. So, dear reader, I offer you this breakdown of love’s many meanings. Can one relationship combine all five kinds of love? What do you think? Or would two or three suffice in a soulmate?

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At about the time Barack Obama was announcing his plans to run for president my marriage of ten years was ending ignominiously. Do they ever end otherwise? Plenty of accountability to go around, but that’s not what this is about. A couple of years later the On-the-Rebound relationship I had sling-shot myself into after the marriage also came to a close. She moved 800 miles away, but that’s not what this is about either. And then my job went away.  But this isn’t about that either.

So it was that I greeted the onset of summer 2009 with a sense that things couldn’t get much worse. One consequence of which was my decision to try online dating. It promised, if not a cure for my ills, at least something new, a distraction. Time Magazine reports that online dating skyrockets during periods of economic stress. But I’m pretty sure this thought came from errant neurons somewhere in my temporal lobe spewing dopamine when they should of have been doing serotonin. But whatever the chemical or economic origins, online dating went to the top of my to do list.

It was an unaccountably attractive idea. First, there was the novelty of using the ‘net for something other than job hunting. And porn. This would be a new digital frontier. Second, let’s face it, companionship is an important part of a well-balanced life. So with credit card and password in hand, I became a fledgling member of Match.com.

The first challenge for the online dating neophyte is to create the persona he wishes to project to the universe of prospective companions. This is done by way of posting your personal profile. Writing this detailed story of your life is nothing if not tedious.  What do you do for work? (“Nothing” probably doesn’t work). What do you do for fun? (I have varied interests). What are your Favorite Things? (Blah blah blah), Your Favorite Hot Spots? (Yada yada). What have you read recently? What about your pets? And your answer to every nutty question will have a direct impact on your online dating success. So, while eager, I knew I needed to proceed thoughtfully and with care.

Drafting a description of myself that would create just the right balance of youthful maturity, intellectual capacity and physical virility was not easy. But with an active imagination, some help from the New York Times Book Review for the question “What have you read recently?”, and several successive café americanos, the profile took shape and my online dating career was launched.

Fast forward to the first date. My intent was to approach this event with no expectations. British Beach Babe, as she called herself in her profile, was a former Playboy Bunny. Not the kind of bunny in the centerfold, it turns out, but the kind that served cocktails at the playboy club in London. Plus, you had to admire the alliteration of British Beach Babe. Annie, her real life name, had clearly been beautiful in a spunky, Tippi Hedren sort of way. But those days were several decades and a few thousand cartons of Marlboros ago. So, from the moment I first laid eyes on her, I was called upon to silently invoke my mantra:  “You are here with no expectations. You are here with no expectations.”

She asked me in and offered a tour of her patio vegetable garden. Very nice, though the tour’s narrative was a bit slurred, and I noted during the next 15 or 20 minutes her consuming three more large glasses of wine. Which, of course, only aggravated the slurring. Okay then.

At the restaurant we spoke of the usual first date topics: our children’s careers, our own careers, the ups and downs of online dating … and her dependency on prescription pain killers. Stifling the urge to request the check immediately, I smiled and nodded and hailed the waiter when she was ready for the next glass of wine. And the next. When we got back to her door I demurred on the suggestion of a night cap.  Awfully late, I’ve got polo practice in the morning. She understood completely.

I should probably say here that I decided a long time ago to quit drinking and have been sober coming on 15 years. But I don’t expect anyone else to modify their behavior because I’ve made this choice. I’m perfectly comfortable being around others who are enjoying a glass of wine or a cocktail.  But Annie probably exceeded her level of tolerance before we left for dinner.

The next morning I sent off the following email:

Dear Annie,

Thank you for a memorable evening. In reviewing our time together I have concluded that the disparities in our lifestyles are too great to allow a mutually beneficial relationship to unfold.  I wish you the very best and know you will find a suitable companion if you keep at it.

Best,

<!–[if supportFields]> CONTACT _Con-3C7F7DEE1 c s l <![endif]–>Steve<!–[if supportFields]><![endif]–>

A few days later I received a reply that appeared to be written in a garbled language I have never seen before, and I quote:

Drrrr steve../.k iam sooo sryo yyouo[ di’nt lik me. To bd. It wsnt  ment to be/.k.

I swear.

British Beach Babe has not been heard from since.

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But ISO inspirational, educational, or entertaining material on dating to share with my readers, I clicked into the “8 phases of dating” and was pleasantly surprised!

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So, you join FlirtySomething because you like to flirt. And, who knows, you may just meet someone who makes you want to skip the final season premiere of The Sopranos just to meet him.

This guy  from “datingcentral.com” might have pried me loose. His profile was interesting. Nice photos. We exchanged emails and spoke on the phone. He has a great Brooklyn accent. Everything seemed in the ball park. He suggested we meet halfway for coffee or a drink.

I agreed to touch base over the weekend. Then he sent me this:

“Dear C.,

“By the written work and the oral word there are ways to get to know someone before you meet in the flesh. To do this I want to ask you three questions, two of which I might get to “feel out” when face to face.

You are under no obligation to answer. Bit if you do not I’ll send Punjab to see you. You recall Punjab? Orphink Anise? Daddy Bulgebucks?

1 How do you love your man?

2 What is the nature of loving and being loved?

3 What is life all about?

Love,
____”

The first episode of the Sopranos was great!

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FlirtySomething builds safety into its features, too. With so many ways to communicate between and about members, FlirtySomething’s functionality enables singles to stand on their reputation in the community, just as in the real world.

In general, if you’re cyber dating, it makes sense to…

1. Arrange to meet for coffee or lunch rather than dinner. Not only are you safer in the day but you don’t waste so much time if it doesn’t work.

2. Help prevent any unwanted advances by being polite but not leading them on. If you don’t fancy them, just say “You’re a lovely person, but unfortunately, not what I was looking for.”

3. Don’t invite strangers to your home and don’t go to theirs until you know them very well. Just don’t. Anyone you meet online is a stranger. Even on FlirtySomething.

4. Trust your gut instinct and listen carefully to their relationship history. Are they on FlirtySomething for the right reasons or are they just looking to hook-up?

5. Give the details of your date to several friends - where you’ll be, the time you’ll meet, the person’s name, phone number and address.

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